I am not one to walk around talking about my personal life… I mean beyond, yes I run, yes I workout a bunch, yes these are my personal thoughts and opinions… but when it comes to the deeper things, I just don’t talk about them. Not because I don’t want to share but because I am not quite sure how to share quite frankly.
Last night my grandmother died. I was close to my grandparents growing up and I spent a lot of time with them. But then I moved and in more recent years, she developed dementia and wasn’t an entirely nice person. Which I get but I also just didn’t want to spend much time around. I was fine this morning and then I called my mother and found out how she died (we aren’t entirely sure but the funeral now involves a closed casket and apparently everything in the bathroom has to be thrown away) and I kind of just fell apart. I am still kind of just falling apart. I think I am falling more apart now then when my dad died but I think it is in part due to the circumstances of the death and how crummy 2016 has been overall. Anyway, who did I tell this information to? My friend as I asked her to cat sit, my boss as I asked for his points and my ex-whom I still want to tell everything to. I had no clue how to tell my closest friends, the people I talk to everyday because it seems weird to send them a text like hey, good morning, my grandmother’s dead and I am falling apart.
Emotions about death are interesting. They hit you when you aren’t expecting it and you aren’t always entirely sure what to do with them. I will likely work out later because that is how I deal with things now. All in all, I will be fine and I genuinely do not want to talk about things nor do I want people’s sympathy which sounds weird, but I never know what to say beyond it’s OK. Because it is OK. It will be OK. But every once in awhile, you just fall apart.
So this is me, sharing my personal news with you. And I will be OK because that’s the truth. It’s now how we fall apart or why we fall apart. We all do it, it’s what we do afterwards that truly matters.